Briannaelizabeth’s Weblog

“When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God MADE YOU ALIVE in Christ. He FORGAVE us all our sins having CANCELLED the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and stood opposed to us; He TOOK IT AWAY, NAILING IT to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross”.

Colossians 2: 13-15

Thank you. I love you back.

1. Do you have to really know someone to kiss them?
beth says that i have to have a boyfriend for 2 weeks before i can kiss him.
2. How long has it been since you  liked somebody?
months
3. Who was the last person you talked to?
Beeg
4. Does anything rhyme with your last name?
wiser…ahhh…so true…
5. What is your favorite thing to order from Coldstone?
anything with gummy bears on top
6. Is anything stuck in your head?
majesty, majesty, your grace has found me just as i am… 
7. What’s all you did today?
woke up late, spanish class and the test of death, chapel (the first good one all year), now i am at work
8. Do you often use the term “slut”?
when i watch one tree hill it comes up a time or two. i typically do not like the term
9. What will you be doing in 2 hours?
taking a shower because i woke up too late to do so this morning….yuck

10. What was the last thing you dressed up as for Halloween?
dora the explorer
11. What are you listening to?
the sound of typing from the RD office
12. Is anything currently frustrating you?
spanish class
13. Are the best things in life free?
everything costs someone something. it just may not be money.
14. Are your parents proud of your recent behavior?
yes. and i have been very proud of them lately also: )
15. What has been the single most fun moment of your life?

zip line thru the jungle in costa rica
16. Why do you love the person you love?
i love a lot of people for a lot of different reasons
17. Do you have a calendar in your room?
i have a few for different things
18. Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
haha. i have survived 21 years without it…so i think i should be alright.
19. Do you personally know anybody who has more than five tattoos?
half of my church has over 5 tattoos.
20. What is your fondest high school memory?
proms were fun. and i went to 9 of them so i was pretty good at it.
21. Do you have trouble believing in yourself?
i have found that believing in God’s power through me has worked out better
22. Describe the outfit you are wearing?
it was a collaboration of things on my floor…so it doesn’t look good. i will spare you the details.
23. Could you imagine your life without your best friend?
no. and i’m going to have to get used to not seeing her at everyday starting in may. blah.
24. Do you like change?
i depends on what is changing. but i’m baptist…so do we ever really LIKE change?

I have finally reached the point where I do not want neverland. I do not wish to go back in time or stop time or any of the previous stalling techniques I was thinking could fix this impending issue…growing up. At first it terrified me. Now it excites me.

Walk with me through the last few months…

Sandals did a sermon series a while back about core sins. Basically, my pastor made a list of about 10 sins that grip people. He described in detail each one and talked about how each person has a different core struggle. He challenged us to identify our core sin… the sin that gets us every time because it keeps changing its face. After careful contemplation of my sin struggles over the last few years…I identified my core sin as fear.

I have irrational fears such as heights and spiders and more complecated ones  such as being alone and inadequacy. Fear controls me… After identifying this sin I knew that I had to do something about it: Starting with my fear of the future. A series of conversations from significant people in my life brought me to a program where I will have the unique opportunity to live among people for whom God’s heart aches and the privilege to share with them the reason for that ache. I will have a job and a purpose. A job with a purpose. That is what I have been wanting.

One of my biggest fears was to graduate with a business degree and find myself 10 years down the road sitting in a cubicle  at a job that mattered little and changed little. I am not looking to be a big deal. I am trying to change the world while nobody else is looking. Call me naive, call me green. Tell me that I am too young and 2 years in another country is not going to do much for humanity. A part of that is true, however I choose to not look at this decision as a short term trip for God to bring the masses to Himself through Me. I see it as the scariest first step of obedience that I have ever taken in my life… and one step of obedience could change things. One step of obedience parted waters, freed slaves, and nailed your sin and mine to a cross.

I guess the reason I put this in writing was to let you all know that this scares me to death. The thought of leaving family and friends for 2 years makes my heart sad. When I start dwelling on those things I let fear control me; but if I fear everything I will do nothing. Being a journeyman scares me. At first I was so stoked that my life for the next 2 years was planned and had purpose. Then fear began tightening its clench around my soul and I began doubting that I was making the right choice. God can use someone else there. I can get a job here and be fine. You by yourself cannot change the world so save the time and stop trying.

God, because He is God, gave me what I needed to destroy my fear tonight. As silly as this sounds, He reminded me of life’s frailty while watching an episode of One Tree Hill. I know, I know…it’s ridiculous…but God can use whatever He wants so be quiet. Anyway, the basketball coach (Whitey) was laying in a hospital bed because of a tumor and  someone was talking with him about his life. Coach Whitey said, “You know what I would do if I was your age again?.. EVERYTHING.”

My heart was full because I realized that I did not want stay home because of fear. I want to do EVERYTHING while I have breath in me. I want to take risks and be uncomfortable and jump with no visible bridges underneath me (figuratively). I want to hear God’s voice that says “go” and follow. I want my heart to overflow with compassion and love and obedience. I want my life to mean something. I want my life to change something. I think that is what God wants. Not to speak for Him or anything, but I think that what He wants is to be worshipped and have a willing heart at the cross waiting for directions. I was never good at following directions. I was never good with  following in faith instead of fear…  But here I am at the cross. Scared, yet fearless. Trembling, yet focused.

I’m really glad that Christ’s mandate was not go use your expertise to save the world . He said go and I will make you adequate. That truth saved my soul tonight.